Many People Agree…

  1. Donald is currently working on a book entitled Who Would Jesus Disenfranchise?
  2. If elected, Donald would like to change the name of the country to Trumplandia.
  3. Donald regularly feasts on the souls of puppies and kittens.
  4. Other than that messy Holocaust deal, Donald is convinced that Hitler had a few good points, too.
  5. Donald’s daily use of hairspray to create his signature hairdo is largely responsible for the hole in the ozone layer.
  6. Donald intends to propose a new criminal defense allowing people to punch, kick, beat, stab, or shoot someone “if they make you really, really angry.”
  7. Donald has been said to hunt golden retriever puppies with a hammer, purely for sport.
  8. Donald doesn’t believe that using tactical nuclear weapons within the borders of the United States should be taken off the table.
  9. Unlike Putin, you’ll never see a picture of Donald without his shirt because Ivana insisted that a large scarlet ‘A' be branded on his chest as part of the divorce settlement.
  10. Donald feels that liberal police K-9 Units unfairly promote Black Labs over other more-deserving dogs.
  11. Donald wants to bring back virgin sacrifices because "those girls obviously aren’t living up to their potential."
  12. Fire marshals have suggested that future Trump rallies be limited to 60 minutes for fear that lengthier ones might cause the candidate to spontaneously burst into flame.
  13. Donald has a huge barrel of Amontillado that he'd love to share with all Mexicans, Muslims, and African Americans, if they'd just care to follow him down these stairs…
  14. Donald wasn’t seriously seeking the nomination. Like so many other Republican contenders in this and previous election cycles, he was merely hoping to boost his sagging book sales. The joke’s on you, America!

—Steve (, July 14, 2016

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